Monday Evening

Went and bought a little kratom.  To supplement my.pain meds o. Occasionally with the stuff. I Made laudnom   Half pint off alchol add percacet lortaab t3 &4.   All the filler and tylennl aspirin will fall to the bott


The lies we choose to live with are the hardest ones to live with perhaps it is because we choose to live it.

If one does not create or implement a system of order a system of control will be choosen for you and you probably will be unhappy to say the least.

Order and Chaos R not so different in fact they are intertwined . Much.  Like Mobius’s strip or ribbon 8  on its side and the Orerebus principle “The snake eats it tail and all begins anew somewhat Norse mythology so Ragnorok or for that matter Aremegeddon from the Hebrew Harmageddon which a field.

Null is. What  I have felt Just a Bad day or a run

I have failed again as Is the nature of life and It has been reminded by more than one person .I think my time here is not over.Why just because.I leave  it will be walking into a emotional and psychological war 

I always say when I get yelled At I assure u I will not respond or u will not get the wanted or exspected outcome  sure what I did or did not do counts but in some things “My own counsel I keep “but I am sure considering my actions a great deal more I. told the cat no I am a peace of shit .I might as wellCold I believe she has no use for me.Fuck the Drs Fuck my folks fuck it all some days all I guess Seeing as I do does not mean I am always right.I suppose I should know intrinci way change is constant I do play the death card unlike the asshole Headt I use differently I was stupid by saying and hope it never drown unless one lets it eventually entropy when.This leaves me alone I always thought she would be with me I guess I again was a fool an idiot and simplet but I never thought Or I was stupid for thinking I was alone in feelings to let myself feel pity for myselfI would getMy  way.

My family and friends are all sick and dying I may be too it hurts in places that at it shouldn’t maybe it is my fate to go find somewhere else probably wouldn’t make a difference. Ha I thought someone care about a middle aged loser like me I hope u never feel this way my daughter alone detested and. Tired beyound your time and behind it.Dont let them lie to u no matter how pretty it is & not to yourself.It just gets u more depressed and felt unloved never argue pointlessly you’ll shed more tears the right thing is rarely hard to see in an emotional situation. and people will mock u for it especially ignorant assholes who think only of them selves you give what u can but when they start or you let them drain u walk away I think I told u that before.If they don’t care for you for you fuck um they evidently don’t give a damn but to use u.I don’t know how to feel excep else to say use the. Tools u have.Do not worry We will talk soon.

Some day where Bullshit reigns

Sitting here in almost silence So far the day has been a drag right after I GOT up and finished my exercisess I called my friend I had planned to get a guitar out of the pawn shop but that seems as if it probably won’t happen So Since seeing as my cohort is stuck in traffic on his wAy to work he said for me to ewait a few then irregardless of said outcome I think I will call a cab go get strings and see about another guitar I am simply not wanting to spend the day and night alone so maybe I should go to the beach after 3 that way I won’t be a problem precence or nonprescencr not the ahem butt of any jokes to far not far enough at this point It really seems to matter little”cool” Not so much for. Me this is in part my fault I have trouble relating to people.I really do not understand people .I amIn CONStANT Pain my 1 chance to feel a bit better was trashed .Human bondage …….non sexual of course is being a caged bird and the door unlocked and singing either because you have no choice or feeling free until you realize that the so called freedom is teally just loneliness hence no chains but unfree then one starts to call love or rather if one has it except for their estranged family and grown daughter and knowing most people laugh mock or hate you because you are different but not so different that they do not see they also despise what they see in themselves….At least I looked and have looked at my darker nature and unafraid to delve into it most humans are hypocritical liars and take great pains in inflicting there own malice on those the misunderstand or out of something I refuse nor even understand hatred……I may get fristrated or angry and have lied to myself but I always over the years tried to be and failed a great deal at being a husband a lover father son the list is endless surrounded by people that could give less than a damn about you or the world around them  it feels that way none the less.I am trapped not as much damned if I do damned if I don’t.If  I could have that ticket or thought it worth rest ringing the other I would and if Possible I would walk away almost positive that no one would notice not for long. Would they care Maybe maybe not So I am thinking really hard about a few things since today is pretty much fucked as I /we I thought planned it yea I can start it over with the same goddamn suffering At least the other way I could have amused myself and maybe someone else. I may as we’ll blow my fucking heart up I am going to be very reserved with what I say let people know What I feel I guess this is the only way I can have or write my thoughts probably no one will read it.I wish I could say this was one incident.Fool yea I guess  I am.At least I know what a peace of shit I am  and naive mother fucker I feel like no it’s not over one assholes


    Here it is almost 6p’clock.I slept on and off most of the day.At least I feel down I know I too have to pull myself out of it I quit believing that Drs’ people in general care.Quitting smoking is going to be hard I have to start over.The pulmary Dr is the only one so far that will give me chantix.Cid and I both have colds.I catch myself getting quiet again.Loosing both Docktors At close time galls me We got a few days to plan /find another I pray that Punjwani doesn’t. Refuse to see me I may have to weight more time.It is beyond    Sad and pitiful the way psychiatrist and pain management even Subutex therapy are ran IT IS ONE BIG DOPE GAME. Top to bottom The patient with out means are forgotten or used as Guinea pigs at times without there consent.Opiaphobia is rampant to the point real patients are fogotten and mistreated and substance abuse problems without $  they are left to suffer.I have fought one or all these battles most of my life and at 40 I sometimes think as do many others that ordering abroad seems more feasible I know 2 way one in the gray area of legality the other costly but 90Days of a prescribed drug can be imported I just do not know as of yet which means I exspected it to take time and be uncorfortable…